I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
You Might Also Like
Hilarious if literal: arms race
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Huge, if true.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
When I snag the last meatball.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
This is I, Robot all over again
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google