Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
They’re called werewolves.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?