“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
You Might Also Like
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.