If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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Xylophonist Shredding It
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?