ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”