Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Did my cat write this
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Hamburger Hinderer.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans