Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
what does he know…
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day