Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.