We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.