Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.