The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.