*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk