Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.