Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Don’t talk down to me
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀