Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
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I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
A man of commitment.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no