[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Fat chances are my favorite chances