No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me