gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
You Might Also Like
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Okay me first
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.