At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
You Might Also Like
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
😂😂
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.