A collection of me turning into random objects.
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And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Become ungovernable.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Perfection.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves