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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My work here is don’t.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.