me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I need to get some bricks…
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.