This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
kids play hide and seek like
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me too
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life