I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.