My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
the answer was staring at me all along