Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Good advice.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.