[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Only short people can save us
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud