A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
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When you don’t understand how floors work
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day