You deplete me
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Hitlers gonna hitl
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.