girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
*puts my mental health in rice
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains