BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can