If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends