the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
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Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.