in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
😲 WTF? 😆
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂