honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.