ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Love this one 😂🧟
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.