I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Think I pulled my liver
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
cats when you pet them too long:
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.