I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
We avoided this particular disaster
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Ummm
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy