*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 馃槵*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I鈥檓 a little offended they haven鈥檛 laughed yet.
I鈥檓 not paranoid but if you鈥檙e plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I have never related to a cat more
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what鈥檚 he doing
me: oh, there鈥檚 a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they鈥檙e just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she鈥檚 trading me for a toaster.
I told y鈥檃ll leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 馃槶
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I鈥檓 a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn鈥檛 even know I existed.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”