Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
reduce, reuse, recycle
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Horrifying if literal: shit storm