Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet