I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!