cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I don’t hate children, just yours.