the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
This could be us… but you playing
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The glockness monster
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.