One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂