99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The honesty is refreshing
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.