“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever