Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”