*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
my fav colour is also hitler
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.