Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Got him!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW